


Never Right Again

by pallysuune



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, Bad Decisions, F/M, Female Apprentice (The Arcana), M/M, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2021-01-24 07:08:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21334240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pallysuune/pseuds/pallysuune
Summary: Asra was not okay. And it was possible he'd never be okay again.A look at some of the darkest days in Asra's life, the shames and pain, and the hope that someday it may get better again. From the death of his apprentice on, he's not sure if things will ever be the same, but he can't do anything but keep trying.
Relationships: Apprentice/Asra (The Arcana), Asra (The Arcana)/Reader, Asra/Julian Devorak
Kudos: 52





	1. Coward

**Author's Note:**

> I really originally started this as a way of exploring Asra's actions and the depths he sinks to at times, and wasn't really sure how far I'd take if. I'm still not sure, but we'll find out, lol. 
> 
> Later chapters will be written with second person view for the apprentice.

He wasn’t alright.

He hadn’t been alright since he’d walked away from Vesuvia and left his apprentice behind. He’d run away like a coward, afraid of the plague that swept through the city. He tried to get his apprentice to come with him, but she refused. She wanted to help people, but he… he only wanted them to be safe. Frustration came to a head, things were said, whether they were meant or not, and he’d stormed out. He’d _left_. 

He wasn’t even gone that long. A few weeks. But that was all it took. The Red Plague killed so fast, it only took a matter of days for some. For _her._ Asra had returned to apologize, finding only an empty shop, and a splash of red paint over the door - the sign of someone afflicted with the plague, a warning for all others to stay away. If she had become sick… He had to find her, it might not be too late. 

The sick were rounded up and taken to the Lazaret, an island off the coast of the city where they could be kept in quarantine. Asra raced through the streets, headed for the dock with his heart in his throat the whole time. He had to get to her, had to see her again, apologize, help, _something_. Anything. He loved her with all his heart, and he couldn’t bear the thought of losing her without even being able to tell her that he was wrong. 

No one at the docks wanted to take him to the island, and he resorted to borrowing a boat and using his magic to speed across the bay himself. Ahead of him, the looming buildings of the plague hospital rose from above soot-stained trees, furnaces belching oily smoke into the sky. He felt sick thinking about the bodies that fueled those hungry furnaces. As soon as the boat bumped against the gray beach of the island, he wasted no time in hopping out and running right up to the hospital, crying his apprentice’s name. The hollow eyes of the sick and dying watched him, wak and detached, and none of them offered him any answers, even when he asked a few point blank if they’d seen anyone matching his apprentice’s appearance. 

Desperate, he dug a compass from his pocket, whispering a charm over it’s glass face and watching as the needle within spun. It would take him to what his heart desired the most. And, at that moment, there was only one thing he wanted. He followed the pointing of the compass, only to find himself standing on an open stretch of beach on the opposite side of the island. There was no one there. Was his spell failing? He looked around again. 

The beach was just a stretch of pale greyish sand, marked in places with some small mounds, and with pale stones half buried in the sand. He stopped, did a double take, and his heart sank to the pit of his stomach. 

The stones weren’t stones, and the sand wasn’t just sand. All around him was bone fragments and ashes, the leftovers of the furnaces. 

Panic gripped at him and he looked to his compass again, frantically following it to one of the mounds in the sand. He dropped to his knees, digging, desperately, into the gruesome sediment. He wasn’t even sure what he was looking for, he just had to dig. He had to _know_. He dug until his fingers bled, but all he found was bone and ash. He crumpled into a ball, slumping over, not even noticing the ash that clung to his hair, his forehead pressing to the sand. Sobs wracked his body, hard enough that his lungs ached. The scent and feeling of death was all around him. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. 

He didn’t remember leaving the island. He didn’t remember going back to the magic shop. He didn’t remember much of the days that followed. He couldn’t say for sure when the idea came to him, either, the slow sort of creeping realization that his magic could _change things_. The depths of magic was deep. It was dangerous. But it would be worth it. He began to research, delving deep into tomes and scrolls he’d previously left untouched.


	2. Mistakes were made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Asra knows Julian has a thing for him. And even if he shouldn't be, he can't quite help but be a little selfish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I split this section into two chapters because it was getting a little long, my apologies. The juicy stuff will come in the next one.
> 
> A lot of the dialogue came from the game itself, I wanted to keep it accurate.

When the Count first called on him to find a way to cure him of his own bout of the plague, Asra seriously considered telling him no. There was no one he hated more than Count Lucio, the man who had taken his parents from him, and he had no time to indulge his selfish whims while he was working on finding some way to bring his apprentice back. But the Count’s palace had more books than he could ever gather on his own, more resources. It could be just what he needed. And no matter how much he hated Lucio, his apprentice and his hope to bring them back meant more to him than that. 

After coming into the Count’s employ, he found himself spending more and more time at the palace. Lucio made everything around him intolerable, and Asra took refuge in the library or in the garden. He hid beneath the willow tree beside a fountain on so many occasions, his own little sanctuary, for whatever it was worth. While he was in the palace, in the sight of others, he pretended he was fine, made no reference to the lover that he had lost, and seemed, in truth, as though he was far less affected by the plague than those around him. Alone, he could let that carefully constructed mask slip, let it crumble away. When it rained, the sound was so loud in the leaves and in the fountain that he could cry and scream as loud as he wanted and no one would hear. His heartbreak and his failures were poured out into the air. One night, he sobbed and raged against the world until his voice cracked and his lungs burned, and he felt completely wrung out, slumping to the roots of the willow tree and just laying there, staring unseeingly at the willow leaves. 

~  
He knew Julian had a thing for him. Anyone with _eyes _knew Julian had a thing for him. The doctor would blush just from Asra standing too close. And while he couldn’t deny he was an attractive man, his heart still belonged to his apprentice. He tried to keep distance between them and dissuade him, but Julian never seemed to get the point. Maybe it had something to do with the man’s way of thinking he didn’t deserve nice things. Maybe Asra was his way of punishing himself for some perceived short coming. Asra didn’t know.

His heart would always belong to his apprentice, but there was a part of him that was tempted. To just have one thing, one night. To feel _something_ again besides that frantic, desperate need to bring his apprentice back. He tried to keep that to himself, not wanting to encourage Julian in any way. Of course, he didn’t have to, Julian kept up anyway. Fretting over him, worrying that Asra was going to get himself in trouble with the Count. Julian was afraid that if Asra didn’t give him the results he wanted, Lucio would possibly have him killed. That was about the last thing Asra was worried about. If he died, he would just get to see his apprentice again that much sooner. But while he was alive, he was going to put his focus into getting them back. 

Asra sighed as he returned to the shop, shutting the door behind him and slouching against it for a second. Julian had wanted to walk him home. It wasn’t the first time he’d offered to do that, but he was still somewhat surprised by the doctor invading his personal space earlier. He knew Julian was worried about him, but did he honestly think pressing like that would make him change his mind? It didn’t matter, he had things he needed to do tonight, an experiment he needed to try. 

He set everything out in the back room, lighting candles and adding his magic into everything, layering it over everything until the whole shop thrummed with it. But it didn’t feel like his normal magic. It was weighty and dark, a sense of _wrongness_ tinging it that he ignored completely. It was in the middle of all of this that he heard a noise from the front of the shop that sounded like someone calling his name, and slipped out to see what it was. To his surprise, Julian stood there. 

“Oh, Ilya. What are you doing here? I said I was fine walking home on my own,” he said, unconcerned by the press of heavy magic around them, or the thick smoke that slid through the air, trailing out from the back room. 

Julian wasn’t fairing so well, though, as coughs wracked him the moment he went to speak. “Is this more of your hocus pocus? The count wants results, not magic tricks-” He stumbled, coughing again as the miasma of the ritual weighed on him, pushing him down to his knees. It was an interesting reaction, Asra thought, not as alarmed as he probably should have been. There was a strange thrill still singing through his veins at even casting magic like this, and seeing the reaction it had on Julian,when it had no reaction on him, left him feeling oddly triumphant in a way. It was working. And he didn’t think it would _really_ hurt Julian. He simply needed to get used to it. 

“What are you doing?” Julian managed after another cough. 

Asra cocked his head, actually somewhat amused. Perhaps this was what Julian deserved for dismissing his magic. “Can’t you tell?” He stepped closer, running his fingers into Julian’s hair to tug his head back and look him in the eyes.   
“Just a magic trick.”

A shiver skittered down Julian’s back, strong enough that even Asra could see it, even as the doctor’s lips parted in a sigh. Now_ that_ was a telling reaction, wasn’t it? He managed to gather himself enough to ask, “S-something from one of those ridiculous tomes?”

Asra huffed a laugh through his nose. “Something from one of those ridiculous tomes. If you’d like to help, I’m sure I could find a use for you.”

His hand slid down from Julian’s hair to take his chin, turning his head from side to side to study him. The attraction that had simmered surged to the surface again, his restraint eaten away both by the intoxicating magic he’d soaked the shop in and by his own weakness. That desire for just _something, _some little bit of pleasure. It wasn’t as if it would be the first time he did something horribly selfish, would it? And he wasn’t inclined at the moment to think about any regret that might come from it later. 

Julian looked up at him with a kind of naked hopefulness that might have made him reconsider if he was thinking like himself. “I- Will this help? If I do this with you, will it… will it change anything?”

For a long moment, Asra just looked at him. This ritual, this spell, would show him whether or not his plan was viable. Whether or not it was actually possible to create a new body. Would it change anything? Oh yes. If it worked, it would change _everything_. But not in the way that Julian meant, and Asra knew that full well. Still, he turned toward the back room, pausing long enough to murmur, “I hope so,” before disappearing. 

Behind him, Julian scrambled up as best he could, and quickly fixed his coat, before hurrying after him. 

The backroom looked nothing like it did when he’d once used it only for simple readings. All kinds of magical implements and plants were littered everywhere. There was a skull of some strange animal in the corner, giving off an eerie energy that raised the hair on the back of his neck whenever he ventured too close to it. At the center of the round table, a glowing spell circle had been drawn. When Julian joined him, Asra motioned to it. “Blood, bone, sweat, and tears. All sorts of things of things make powerful catalysts for these kinds of spells. I wonder, how much are you willing to give up, Ilya?” 

Blood would make his spell that much stronger, give it a better chance of working. He could use his own, but Julian hardly seemed to mind the idea of helping him before. How far would he go?

“I- um- that is to say-” Julian struggled for a minute, still seeming to strain under the heavy, dark magic. It didn’t keep him from looking down at Asra, biting his lip, his gaze unguarded and eager and his cheeks flushed. “I’ll give you all of me, if that’s what it takes.” 

“All of you? Oh Ilya.” Was he surprised by the answer? He wasn’t really sure. He’d suspected Julian might say that, dramatic thing that he was, but he’d also half expected the other to back down. Part of him was disappointed in hearing Julian say it, too, the evidence of that infatuation that Asra _knew_ he should have ended before it began. Then again, he knew he shouldn’t take advantage of it, either, but there he was. Playing with magic no magician should, and using the blood from a man who was too smitten with him to know better. “For now, all I need is your hand.” 

Julian shoved his hand out so fast he nearly knocked over a bottle, and Asra bit the inside of his lip to keep from snorting, in spite of himself. Instead, he reaches out to take the doctor’s hand, tracing a finger along his life line gently before reaching for a dagger from the table nearby, laying it over his palm and slicing down. Julian didn’t even flinch. Asra looked up at him briefly before turning his hand so the blood dripped down onto the table. The magic circle flared to life for a moment before fading away. Asra looked at it for a second longer, waiting for some sign that the spell had worked. 

It did nothing.

“Is, uh, is that it?” Julian asked, drawing Asra’s attention back to him. 

He gave a quick laugh. “Did you want me to hurt you more? That’s all I need from you, Ilya.”

“Now hold on, I - What kind of magic are you getting yourself into, Asra? What did that do?”

Violet eyes turned back to the circle again, looking for some sign. “Hmm… I’m not sure. I won’t know until it happens. Perhaps nothing, perhaps…” He trailed off, shaking his head. 

“Are you putting yourself in dange-”

Asra_ really _didn’t want to get into that again, this fear and protectiveness that Julian had for him, and his brain, not really firing on all cylinders at the moment, provided him one very distinctive way to distract the doctor. A very selfish way. One he’d enjoy more than he’d like to admit. He lifted Julian’s bloodied hand, meeting the other man’s eyes as he ran his tongue along the cut. Julian shut up immediately, a high flush blooming across his cheeks. 

“You’re talking too much, Ilya,” Asra murmured. 

“Th-then just tell me what to do instead.”

Asra paused a second, watching the doctor. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

He took a step forward, and when Julian matched him with a step back, he proceeded to back the other man up against the wall. 

“Y-you- Oh my god, yes. I’ll do anything you want, anything at all, whatever you need -” 

Again, Asra hesitated, licking his lips slowly as he looked up at Julian. His eyes were dark with undisguised hunger and longing. And a spark of something like hope that made a twinge of guilt pluck at Asra’s heart. His teeth sank into his bottom lip for a second. “You know I can’t give you everything you want, Ilya.” 

He was still in love with someone else, his heart belonged to her, no matter what happened between him and Julian that night. 

Still, the response he got wasn’t entirely one he was expecting. Julian slid down to his knees, pushing away from the wall and closer to Asra to do so, looking up at him with a desire so intense it was almost pleading all on it’s own. “I’ll take what I can get.”

Asra laughed softly. He’d warned him. And he wasn’t going to try to say he wasn’t a selfish man. And maybe he wasn’t the only one who needed a release, needed one night where the world didn’t feel like it was coming down around him. So he laughed. And he reached out to slip his fingers into Julian’s hair, tugging as he leaned down and pressed his lips to the doctor’s. 

Julian groaned, lewd and eager, as he kissed him back with the fervor of a starving man. That sheer hunger sent a shiver down Asra’s spine. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt wanted in that kind of way. It sparked a heat he’d forgotten he was even capable of. In that moment, he felt more alive than he had in so long. 

His fingers tightened in Julian’s hair, pulling his head back, exposing the long line of his throat for Asra to lean down and savage his pale skin with lips and teeth. He felt the other man shiver, and it only served to urge him on, spur him to biting down harder. When he drew back, there were two pink crescents standing out starkly on the side of Julian’s neck. He drew his finger over it, earning a soft gasp from the doctor. 

Asra tugged his hair again, forcing Julian to look at him, making the man meet his eyes. “Upstairs.”


	3. Mistakes continue to be made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut is hard, y'all.

Strong arms wound around him, pulling him down to the bed over top of the other man in a tangle of limbs and teeth and lips. Asra dipped his head, pressing a kiss to Julian’s throat, feeling the wild flutter of his pulse beneath the skin. The rush of it all was heady, intoxicating, and they’d barely done anything yet. He felt almost giddy. Long-fingered hands slid under his shirt, tracing the dip of his spine.

It took him a moment, but he managed to get himself untangled enough from Julian in order to sit up in order to pull his shirt off over his head, tossing it carelessly to the floor. He looked down at the buttons of the doctor’s shirt with a huff, and whispered under his breath as he ran his finger down the line of them. They popped open all on their own and Asra pushed the cloth aside, taking advantage of the unexplored expanse of skin. He nipped the sharp line of his collarbone and dragged his tongue over the spot, soothing the sting. Fingertips dug into his hips as Julian clutched at him, like he was afraid Asra would vanish if he stopped touching him. Maybe he was, and maybe that wasn’t such an unfounded fear where Asra was concerned, even if he had no interest in going anywhere at that moment. 

He mapped out the broad chest beneath him, taking his time to stroke his fingers over every inch of skin, each swell and dip of defined muscle until Julian was squirming and breathing hard beneath him. “God, Asra, please- Please-” He closed his eyes, tipping his head back with a whine as the magician’s fingers wandered down lower and lower, stroking over the warm skin so tantalizingly close to the hem of his pants. 

Asra couldn’t help but smirk slightly. Oh, he was _definitely_ enjoying the reactions from Julian, how easily he could get him to respond. There was a feeling of power in seeing the intelligent, capable doctor reduced to a panting, writhing, flushing mess so easily. Amused, he shushed Julian. He slid the tips of his fingers beneath the waistband of his pants, outright teasing him. It prompted another slew of swears and pleas until Asra pulled back. Julian gasped, eyes snapping open, pleading and whining. “No no, Asra-” 

He went silent when Asra’s hand curled around his neck, squeezing it gently. He stared up at him, eyes wide, lips parted, and panting softly. 

“You talk too much,” Asra murmured, his voice low and smoky. The only answer that Julian could manage was a high, soft whine. Satisfied, Asra smirked and released him. 

His hands skated down once more to teasing over Julian’s skin. The more the other man whined and squirmed, the slower Asra moved, dragging his nails down his abdomen and enjoying the sight of red welts they left behind. Julian was pale, and he flushed so pretty. It wasn’t long before he lost his patience and began begging again. 

“Asra, please. _Please._ I’ll do anything. I’ll let you do anything you like to me. Anything. Just please, please touch me.” 

Smirking, Asra drew one finger in a path from his belly button to the top of his pants. “I am touching you.” 

_“Asra!” _

He was loving the power he had over Julian. Loved having the doctor so open and vulnerable beneath him like this. But he couldn’t keep him waiting forever. Even he didn’t have that kind of patience. He had Julian’s pants off and on the floor in record time, running his nails down his thighs and watching his cock twitch, desperate untouched, with a touch of sadistic satisfaction. His hands wandered higher, fingers caressing over the sharp angle of his hipbones. He nearly, nearly touched him, but pulled away at the last second. Julian gasped, looking up at him with wide, pleading eyes. Merciless, Asra just wiggled out of his own pants and sat back, giving the doctor a nice view of his slender frame, and hard cock. 

“I think I have a better use for that mouth of yours.” 

Julian practically scrambled over himself to sit up and stopped just short of actually touching him, wide eyes running over every inch of him, reverent, like he was something completely amazing. Very gently, as if afraid he might break if touched too hard, he laid his hands on Asra’s thighs, meeting his eyes and holding them as he leaned down to drag the tip of his tongue over the tip of his cock. Asra’s eyes fluttered for just a second, his breath catching at the spark of heat and pleasure the little lick shot up his spine. He reached down to run his fingers through Julian’s hair, raking it back from his face and pressing gently on the back of his head, urging him on. A moan rumbled through the doctor’s broad chest as he took Asra into his mouth, laving his tongue along the underside, managing to pull a soft groan from him. 

Julian was nothing if not enthusiastic, his attention focused on wringing every little bit of pleasure out of Asra that he could, following whatever cues he could pick up from him, every little hitch of his breath and twitch of the muscles in his thighs, taking the chance to be merciless himself this time, pushing him closer and closer to the edge. Asra tugged his hair, gasped out his name in warning, but he just kept going, taking as much of him into his mouth as he could until he felt Asra beginning to tremble under him. He came with a gasp, spilling across his tongue. He swallowed all of it, savoring it. 

When he sat back, Julian gave him a wicked grin, looking far too pleased with himself. That was easily remedied, though. Asra pushed him back down onto the bed, leaning down to nip at his jaw, dragging his teeth along the sharp angle beneath his ear. He heard Julian’s breath stutter. His fingers curled around Julian’s hard, hot length. 

“O-oh-” 

Clearly, now that his mouth was free again, he was going to go back to being loud, but that was just what Asra wanted, and he smirked against Julian’s skin as he began to stroke him softly. He whined louder, arching his hips up into his hand. “Asra, please-” 

He huffed a laugh and tightened his grip, stroking him faster as Julian dissolved into moans and breathy babbling. Worked up as he was, it didn’t take long until there was a tremble running through him, his hips bucking chasing his pleasure. His release swept over him quickly, and he was cumming over his stomach as Asra milked every last drop from him, until he was shaking from the pleasure-pain of oversensitivity. 

It felt like forever, hanging on that edge, before the magician finally sat back and looked down at him, smirking as he licked Julian’s seed from his hand. Julian’s eyes slid open just enough to catch that look, groaning weakly as he closed them again. That alone made Asra huff in amusement, climbing off the bed to get something to clean them both off. Julian remained there, watching him the whole time, content and somehow sad at the same time, as if he knew that this was it, the end of whatever it was between them. And it was, Asra told himself. 

It had to be. 

Still, when he was done getting them both cleaned up, he flopped down onto the bed beside Julian. He’d promised himself one _night_, hadn’t he? One selfish night. He turned to curl against the other’s side. “Stay here tonight. We’ll go back to the palace together tomorrow.” His voice sounded a little small, even to him, that bit of guilt beginning to gnaw at the edges, and he didn’t look at Julian as he said it. 

That was why he didn’t see the grin that lit up the other man’s face as he turned, wrapping his arms around Asra and drawing him closer. “Gladly.”


End file.
